Nigerian politicians of the present day are so boring that no high tension stories can be written about them.
These politicians of nowadays cannot brew myths around their escapades as we used to have them in the good old days.
Let me fire the first question: Where were you when Chief Obafemi Awolowo moved up to the moon, and Nigerians had to beg and pray that the legendary man should not bring damnation upon Nigeria from up there in the sky?
Anybody who does not know of this Awo-in-the-moon story must be quite young and therefore needs some political education.
During the Second Republic, Awo was made to bear the brunt of the Twelve-Two-Third abracadabra in the first election while in the second one there was a “moonslide” which made him to go to the moon in protest.
Some seers have since divulged to me that it was in the bid to stave off Awo’s punishment on Nigeria that Buhari and Idiagbon staged their coup on the last day of 1983.
In journalism, facts are sacred, and I am a journalist, not one of the “Jeunalists” who are only interested in “jeun-jeun” chopping!
Let’s make progress on Awo’s celebrated compatriot, Zik of Africa, who according to legend procured Independence for Nigeria directly from the recently deceased Queen Elizabeth II by speaking this grammar to her: “A broken bottle has no mekwatarism!”
Ask Emeka Nwamama and his buddy, Smoky Joe, under the bridge at Upper Iweka, Onitsha, and they will confirm my story by stressing: “Edelu ya na-akwukwo!” which means, “It’s written in the books!”
Any bloke who doubts me here should verify from the oral scholar, Prof Nduka Otiono in Canada, about the vast exploits of the human Googles of Upper Iweka known as Emeka Nwamama and Smoky Joe.
And now to continue on the Queen-versus-Zik Independence story, it was revealed that the Queen hired all the scholars of Oxford and Cambridge universities to find the meaning of “Mekwatarism”, and they all failed.
Then Zik released another bazooka of grammar thusly: “Queen, if you don’t want to give me independence, anambem!”
The Queen had to perforce turn to the same old eggheads of Oxford and Cambridge to search for the meaning of “Anambem”, and they failed again, which made the exasperated Queen to grant Nigeria independence “on a platter of gold.”
But not so fast, because there was the legend of the Queen setting another trap for Zik by sending a very white Mammywater to stop the construction of Niger Bridge.
Zik went into a bottle and challenged the Mammywater to do as he had done by getting into the bottle.
When Mammywater got into the bottle, Zik corked the bottle and Mammywater could not escape, and Niger Bridge was constructed, and water could no longer overflow the “Niger Area” as the Queen had plotted…
There was this political son of Zik, the very colourful William Wilberforce Chuba Okadigbo, who enemies wanted to set up against his master with the “ranting of an ant” story.
Well, I have no time for ant stories here, so I will forge ahead with the tale that Chuba, the Oyi of Oyi, earned some of the mystical powers of Zik.
As the legend goes, Chuba Okadigbo and some other politicians were attacked by armed robbers while on the road for a campaign.
While the other politicians lay on their stomachs in surrender, Chuba shouted at the robber who was pointing a gun at him: “Who is your leader?”
The shocked robber instantly lowered his gun and then took Chuba to the leader of the armed gang.
“So you are the leader?” Chuba hollered at the gang leader, and gave the man a shattering slap that shook up the night.
Then Chuba continued in rage: “Idiot! When I’m in Abuja brainstorming to better the lives of morons like you, you are here carrying guns!”
Chuba gave the dazed leader more slaps before asking the prone politicians to rise up and follow him to their destination!
Let’s end with the story of Chuba’s renowned buddy Ikemba Emeka Odumegwu-Ojukwu who was stopped by some robbers while on a ride with his delectable wife Bianca.
When the man in the back seat of the car refused to step down as ordered, the robbers had to look inside properly.
The robbers saw Ikemba and screamed: “Oga!”
Then the robbers kept shouting “Oga!” and shooting in the air in celebration as they led Ojukwu and Bianca in a convoy back to their home!
Because of this, anytime Ojukwu and his beloved Bianca had the normal husband-vs-wife tiffs Bianca would call Ojukwu “Oga ndi ori!” meaning “The boss of thieves!”
If you doubt me, ask Bianca!
- Uzor Maxim Uzoatu is a renowned poet, journalist and author