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Elements of Miyetti Allah Democracy (MAD) By Uzor Maxim Uzoatu

The Giant of Africa, the dear country Nigeria has done it again. She has written a brand new chapter into the coveted book of democracy.

The breaking news is that Nigeria is the first and only country in the whole wide world to put into practice what is known as Miyetti Allah Democracy (MAD).

It was back then in his 1863 Gettysburg Address that American President Abraham Lincoln put out word that democracy is “government of the people, by the people, for the people…”

With the coming of Miyetti Allah Democracy in Nigeria, Lincoln’s words have been cast aside and buried inside the dustbin of history.

What now obtains is government of the cows, by the cows, and for the cows.

America indeed has many lessons to learn from Nigeria in new trends in democracy, especially after Donald Trump expired like a bad drug.  

For starters, there is no greater need for democracy to serve than the protection of cows. The cow is the milk of the constitution, any constitution.  

The protection of the cows is ensured by daredevil cowboys, alias herdsmen, who walk about with AK-47 as their walking-stick.

The motto of the cowboys of MAD, that is, Miyetti Allah Democracy, translates to: “Shoot first, think later, if at all!”

So anybody who puts forward any form of opposition to the cows must be gunned down at first sight.

A toast to the sharpshooter herdsmen of Miyetti Allah Democracy! A tear for their hapless victims!   

Going deep into history, one can see that not even Athenian Democracy could rival Miyetti Allah Democracy for hocus-pocus.

Even the type called Anticipatory Democracy could not have anticipated the immunity in impunity of Miyetti Allah Democracy.

There is even the one called Cellular Democracy but its vast interlinked connections cannot pin down the madness in MAD!

In my occult search to fully understand Miyetti Allah Democracy, I was introduced to what was called Electronic Democracy but modern electronics could not connect with cows and forests.

I was in one instance made to appreciate the type called Guided Democracy but I could not get far because I spent all the time dodging the guided missiles issuing forth from the AK-47 of the herdsmen, the cowboys of Miyetti Allah Democracy.  

It was when I got to the issue of Liquid Democracy that I gave up because I ended up in the lair of the loquacious “Liquid Metal”, the yellow-faced prophet based in Onitsha, and he was forever shouting: “Indabosky Pahose!”

Amid all my confusion, what I could eventually learn as the fundamental elements of Miyetti Allah Democracy manifested in the repeated word: “herd… herd… herd!”

Call it “herd mentality” or whatever you choose – everything belongs to the herd in Miyetti Allah Democracy: the army, the police, the chief justice, the cows etc.

For instance, the supreme court of the herd can appoint a cow as a governor in any state of their choice.  

In conducting elections in Miyetti Allah Democracy, the chief returning officer must perforce come from the herd, and his word is law.

It’s akin to the head coach of Manchester United serving as the referee in a football match between Liverpool and Manchester United.

It is the unique selling point, aka USP, of Miyetti Allah Democracy – victory is always assured even before the first vote is cast.

The “catch them young” philosophy of Miyetti Allah Democracy ensures that all the underage blokes must vote in bandwagon style.

The owners of Miyetti Allah Democracy regale themselves that they are slave masters who can perform magic by getting their children that scored just two marks being promoted ahead of the children of their slaves that scored well over 139 marks.

Magic remains the stock-in-trade of Miyetti Allah Democracy such that 100 percent suffers the bad arithmetic of 97 percent of chosen ones and 5 percent of unwanted ones.

In the march of Miyetti Allah Democracy, anywhere there is green grass must be eaten up without any replanting because it is incumbent on cows to eat grass without any replanting whatsoever.

The mullahs of Miyetti Allah Democracy flaunt their meetings in the forests with bandits, and this has added muster to the coming together of all mufti terrorists in their promised homeland of Nigeria.

Miyetti Allah Democracy deserves a PhD dissertation, not the paltry article that I am penning here in the absence of electricity.

To lend a measure of bookishness to the Miyetti Allah Democracy phenomenon, let’s quote the grandee of political nous Montesquieu: “If a republic be small, it is destroyed by a foreign force; if it be large, it is ruined by an internal imperfection.”

For now, I don’t know where the Miyetti Allah Republic falls within because Miyetti Allah Democracy passeth all understanding.  

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