By Ebuka Ukoh
In Nigeria where the price of garri now competes with that of gold, where a loaf of bread inspires more fear than a police checkpoint, Senate President Godswill Akpabio has gallantly offered the panacea: “Embrace Pope Francis’s lifestyle.”
What a time to be alive.
While the World Bank — ever the wet blanket — announced that more Nigerians will plunge into poverty by 2027, our opulent Akpabio has decided that this is the perfect moment to launch a National Poverty Appreciation Campaign (NPAC). If only the World Bank had his prophetic eyes, they would understand that poverty is not something to fear. It is something to aspire to.
Akpabio says poverty is not a crime. Which is rich, coming from a man whose own lifestyle makes Buckingham Palace look like a youth hostel. But let’s not be petty. After all, who better to teach us about holy simplicity than a man who rides in a convoy longer than a Danfo queue at CMS bus stop in central Lagos?
From Private Jets to Prayer Mats
Imagine it: a nation of 200 million popes, all living humbly — no light, no fuel, no food, but full of grace and gratitude. Nigeria would become the Vatican of Suffering, the Jerusalem of Japa Aspirations. Already, many of us have started practising: fasting involuntarily, trekking majestically, bathing with sachet water like saints.
Akpabio’s logic is watertight. Why demand basic amenities when you can achieve holiness by default? Why ask for good governance when you can just meditate your hunger away? Why agitate for minimum wage when your reward is surely waiting in heaven (assuming you survive long enough to collect it)?
Pope Francis: Our New Minister of Finance
Now, Akpabio wants us to be like the late Pope Francis — a man who chose to live simply out of conviction, not compulsion. Meanwhile, the average Nigerian lives simply because the government confiscated the alternative.
Pope Francis ate modest meals because he desired humility. Nigerians eat modest meals because that’s all that N500 can buy after a six-hour queue at the ATM. See the connection? No? Don’t worry, Akpabio sees it on your behalf.
The comparison is perfect. Except for minor details: Pope Francis was not hoarding estacode, padding budgets, or sending his children to school abroad while telling Italian peasants to “trust God.” But let’s not split hairs.
World Bank: Party Poopers Since 1960
While Akpabio is ushering us into the golden age of ‘Premium Poverty,’ the World Bank has once again decided to depress everybody with “statistics.” It predicts poverty will spread faster than ASUU strikes by 2027 . As if we don’t already know. We don’t need their graphs and pie charts to tell us what our stomachs and wallets broadcast daily.
In fact, some of us have developed sixth senses. We can now smell when the economy has crashed again — no need for Bloomberg updates. It’s a talent, really. One more spiritual gift, courtesy of our leaders’ excellent foresight.
National Policy Proposals: Poverty With Pride
Since Senator Akpabio has shown us the way, I propose the following national initiatives:
- New Anthem: “Suffering and Smiling” by Fela should replace the current one. It’s more realistic.
- New Motto: Unity and Faith, Poverty and Progress.
- New NYSC Scheme: Instead of deploying graduates to teach or serve, just send them straight to “Advanced Begging and Side Hustling” boot camps.
- New Ministries: Merge Ministry of Youths, Sports and Employment into Ministry of Manage Anyhow (MMA).
We are ready. Nigeria is ready. We are a resilient people — we have survived military rule, NEPA, Naira scarcity, SARS, and now, thanks to the senate president, we are spiritually prepared to survive affluently-endorsed affliction.
From the Table of a Social Worker: Our New Job Description
As a social worker, my job used to be about advocating for the vulnerable. But thanks to Akpabio, I now understand that my role is to organise “Thank You for Our Suffering” seminars.
Coming soon to a LGA near you:
- “How to Turn Hunger into Humility”
- “Advanced Techniques in Hope Maintenance with Zero Salary”
- “From Layoff to Lay Ministry: How to Find Purpose When the Economy Fails You.”
Truly, with this level of political wisdom, Nigeria might just skip “developing country” status and ascend straight to “Pilgrimage Site.”
Final Thoughts: A Word of Thanks
In the interim and as the need arises, I will be here — offering workshops in “How to Eat Dreams for Dinner” and “The Art of Spiritual Survival Without Wi-Fi.”
We must be grateful. Not everyone gets to live in a real-time case study of how not to run a country. Not every citizen gets to hear “poverty is not a crime” from billionaires wearing agbada stitched with taxpayers’ tears. It’s an honour.
So, thank you, Senator Akpabio. Thank you for reminding us that suffering is a virtue — so long as it’s not happening to you.
And the next time you gather at the Senate to approve another “budget padding for moral clarity,” please, remember: we, the Pope Francis impersonators of Nigeria, are fasting — not by choice, but by your divine instruction.
After all, to borrow your words, poverty is not a crime.
But enabling it definitely should be a crime.
Mr Ukoh, an alum of the American University of Nigeria, Yola, and PhD student at Columbia University, writes from New York
